Written by Louis Chalouhi, Counsellor (Master’s in Counselling), ACA Level 2 and PACFA member.
Published · 3 min read
What is people pleasing?
People pleasing is a pattern of saying yes, agreeing and accommodating others, even when it goes against what you need or want.
It often comes from a deep wish to be liked, to keep the peace, or to stay safe from conflict or rejection.
Signs of people pleasing
- Saying yes when you'd like to say no, then feeling resentful
- Apologising often, even when something isn't your fault
- Finding it hard to state an opinion or a preference
- Feeling responsible for other people's moods
- Changing yourself to fit in with whoever you're with
- Feeling guilty when you rest or put yourself first
- Feeling drained after time with others
Where it comes from
People pleasing often begins in childhood, in families where love felt conditional, where a parent was unpredictable, or where keeping the peace kept everyone safe.
Some therapists call this the fawn response.
Cultural expectations, gender roles and workplaces that reward always saying yes can strengthen it too.
Seen this way, people pleasing was a smart strategy, and you can update it now that your circumstances have changed.
The guide to childhood trauma in adulthood explores these early patterns in more depth.
How to stop people pleasing
- Notice the automatic yesPause before you answer. "Let me check and get back to you" buys time to decide what you want.
- Know your valuesGet clear on what matters most to you, so your yeses go to the things you care about.
- Start smallPractise in low-stakes moments: choosing the restaurant, or sharing an honest opinion about a film.
- Use simple, kind words"Thanks for asking, I can't take that on this week." A short reason is plenty.
- Expect some discomfortGuilt and anxiety usually rise the first few times you say no, and they ease with practice.
- Notice the responseMost people accept a kind no. Those who push back give you useful information about the relationship.
- Meet yourself with compassionSpeak to yourself the way you'd speak to a friend learning something new.
Boundaries in close relationships
Boundaries can feel hardest with partners, parents and close friends, because the stakes feel high.
Clear, kind boundaries usually make relationships stronger, because people know where they stand and resentment has less room to grow. Couples counselling can help you both talk about needs more openly.
How counselling helps
In counselling we explore where the pattern started, notice what sets it off now, and practise new responses in a safe space.
I draw on Compassion-Focused Therapy, which was developed to help people meet self-criticism and shame with understanding, alongside CBT and ACT.
Read more about counselling for self-esteem and confidence.
If you tend to replay conversations afterwards, the guide to stopping overthinking may help.
Common questions
Is people pleasing a trauma response?
It can be.
For some people it grew from childhood experiences where keeping others happy kept them safe.
For others it's a learned habit or a cultural expectation, and either way it can change.
Is people pleasing a bad thing?
Caring about others is a strength.
People pleasing becomes a concern when it regularly costs you your own needs, health or sense of self.
How do I say no without feeling guilty?
Expect some guilt at first and let it be there.
Keep your no short and kind, and remind yourself that your needs count too.
The guilt usually eases with practice.
Can counselling help with people pleasing?
Yes.
Counselling gives you space to understand the pattern and practise boundaries, with Compassion-Focused Therapy, CBT and ACT tools.
Sources
- Gilbert, P. (2009). The Compassionate Mind. Constable.
- Centre for Clinical Interventions (WA Health), self-help resources
This guide is general information, written to help you understand your options. It isn’t a diagnosis or a substitute for advice from your GP or treating team.
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