Written by Louis Chalouhi, Counsellor (Master’s in Counselling), ACA Level 2 and PACFA member.
Published · 3 min read
What is anticipatory grief?
Anticipatory grief is the grief that starts when you know a loss is coming.
Psychiatrist Erich Lindemann described it in 1944.
It's common when someone you love has a terminal illness, advanced dementia or a long decline in health.
How it can feel
- Sadness about losing the person, and the future you planned together
- Anxiety, and a sense of waiting for the phone call
- Guilt about feeling tired, resentful or impatient
- Moments of relief, then guilt about the relief
- Grieving the parts of the person that illness or dementia has already changed
- Exhaustion from caring and grieving at the same time
Each of these feelings is a common part of anticipatory grief, and none of them means you love the person any less.
Who feels it
Partners, adult children and parents who are carers often feel it most.
With dementia, people sometimes call it ambiguous loss: the person is still here, and much of who they were is slipping away.
Many carers also grieve their own lost freedom, plans and sense of self.
Ways to cope
- Name what you're feelingCalling it grief can make sense of feelings that seem out of place while the person is still alive.
- Share the loadAccept practical help, and ask about respite. The Carer Gateway on 1800 422 737 can help arrange support.
- Make room for what mattersConversations, memories, music, photos or simply being together. Some families find it helps to talk about wishes and plans while they can.
- Look after your bodyMeals, sleep, movement and breaks are part of caring well, for both of you.
- Talk to someone outside the familyA counsellor gives you space to say the things that feel hard to say at home.
Does anticipatory grief make grief easier later?
Some people find they've done part of their grieving in advance, and for others grief after the death still arrives with full force.
Both are normal.
Grief keeps its own timing, which the stages of grief guide explains in more detail.
Counselling for carers and families
My background in nursing and healthcare means the language of hospitals, diagnoses and care plans is familiar ground.
Counselling can support you through the caring years, the death itself and the grief that follows, in person or online.
Read more about grief and loss counselling.
If caring is wearing you down, counselling for anxiety, depression and stress can help with carer stress and burnout too.
Common questions
Is it normal to grieve someone who is still alive?
Yes.
Grieving before a death is common, especially for carers.
It's called anticipatory grief.
Why do I feel relief, and then guilt about it?
Relief often comes when a loved one's suffering ends, or when months of caring are over.
It sits alongside love and sadness, and it's a very common part of grief.
How can I support a family member with anticipatory grief?
Offer practical help, listen without trying to fix, and keep checking in.
Saying the person's name and sharing memories often means a lot.
Sources
- Lindemann, E. (1944). Symptomatology and management of acute grief. American Journal of Psychiatry, 101(2), 141 to 148.
- Carer Gateway
- Palliative Care Australia
- Dementia Australia
This guide is general information, written to help you understand your options. It isn’t a diagnosis or a substitute for advice from your GP or treating team.
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