Written by Louis Chalouhi, Counsellor (Master’s in Counselling), ACA Level 2 and PACFA member.
Published · 3 min read
The 5 stages of grief
Psychiatrist Elisabeth Kübler-Ross described 5 stages in her 1969 book On Death and Dying, based on her work with people who were dying.
The stages were later applied to bereavement and to loss in general.
- DenialNumbness or disbelief: "This can't be happening."
- AngerAt the situation, at others, at yourself, or at the person who died.
- Bargaining"If only" and "what if" thoughts, searching for a way to undo the loss.
- DepressionDeep sadness as the reality of the loss sinks in.
- AcceptanceFinding a way to live with the loss, which is different from being OK with it.
The 7 stages of grief
Several 7-stage versions circulate online, and most add shock at the start and stages of rebuilding near the end.
A common version runs like this.
- Shock and denial
- Pain and guilt
- Anger and bargaining
- Depression and loneliness
- The upward turn
- Reconstruction and working through
- Acceptance and hope
Why grief rarely follows the stages
Kübler-Ross later wrote, with David Kessler, that the stages describe common feelings rather than a set order.
Most people move between feelings, skip some, return to others and feel several at once.
A wave of grief can arrive months later, set off by a song, a date or an empty chair.
Researchers Margaret Stroebe and Henk Schut offered a different picture in their dual process model (1999).
It describes healthy grieving as moving back and forth between 2 kinds of coping: facing the loss itself, and attending to life, such as work, new roles and rest.
Both are part of grieving well.
Grief after a breakup and other losses
Grief follows many losses: a relationship ending, a diagnosis, infertility, a job, a home, or the future you expected.
After a breakup, people often notice the same stages: disbelief, anger, bargaining about getting back together, sadness and, in time, acceptance.
These losses deserve the same care as a bereavement.
What helps while you grieve
- Let the feelings come and go, without judging how you're grieving.
- Keep small routines: meals, sleep and a short walk.
- Talk about the person, or what you lost, with people who'll listen.
- Find ways to stay connected, such as rituals, photos or letters.
- Go easy on big decisions in the first months.
When to reach out for support
Grief is a natural response to loss, and many people find their way through with support from family and friends.
Counselling can help when grief feels stuck, overwhelming or lonely, or when it's affecting sleep, work or relationships months later.
Read about grief and loss counselling, or about anticipatory grief, the grief that begins before a loss.
Common questions
What are the 5 stages of grief in order?
Denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance, as described by Elisabeth Kübler-Ross.
Most people experience them out of order, and some skip stages entirely.
What is the hardest stage of grief?
It's different for everyone.
Many people find the deep sadness that comes once the shock wears off the hardest, often a few months after the loss.
Is it normal to feel grief years later?
Yes.
Grief often softens without fully ending, and anniversaries and milestones can bring it back.
Many people describe growing around their grief, rather than leaving it behind.
Can you grieve someone who is still alive?
Yes.
Grief can follow a breakup, an estrangement or a loved one's dementia.
Grief before a death is called anticipatory grief.
Sources
- Kübler-Ross, E. (1969). On Death and Dying. Macmillan.
- Kübler-Ross, E. and Kessler, D. (2005). On Grief and Grieving. Scribner.
- Stroebe, M. and Schut, H. (1999). The dual process model of coping with bereavement. Death Studies, 23(3), 197 to 224.
- Griefline
This guide is general information, written to help you understand your options. It isn’t a diagnosis or a substitute for advice from your GP or treating team.
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