Written by Louis Chalouhi, Counsellor (Master’s in Counselling), ACA Level 2 and PACFA member.
Published · 3 min read
Types of infidelity
- A physical affairSexual contact outside the agreed boundaries of the relationship.
- Emotional infidelityA close, secret emotional bond with someone else, shared in ways the partner would be hurt to see.
- Financial infidelityHidden debts, accounts or spending that a partner would expect to know about.
- Online infidelitySecret messaging, dating apps or online relationships.
What counts as infidelity varies between couples, and part of recovery is agreeing on your boundaries from here.
The 3 phases of recovery
The Gottman Institute describes affair recovery in 3 phases: atone, attune and attach.
Other approaches describe similar stages.
- AtoneThe partner who had the affair takes responsibility, answers questions honestly and shows remorse without defending. The hurt partner gets space to express pain and ask what they need to know.
- AttuneTogether you look at what was happening in the relationship before the affair, and learn to turn towards each other's needs. Understanding the context explains the affair without excusing it.
- AttachYou rebuild closeness, intimacy and a shared future, on terms you both choose.
What helps rebuild trust
For the partner who had the affair
- End contact with the affair partner, and confirm it.
- Answer questions honestly, including the hard ones.
- Offer transparency, such as an open phone and a shared calendar, for a period you agree on.
- Expect the hurt to resurface, and respond with patience each time.
For the hurt partner
- Look after your own wellbeing: sleep, support and time for yourself.
- Ask the questions that help you heal, and notice when more detail adds to the pain.
- Let yourself feel the anger and the grief.
- Take your time with big decisions.
How long does it take?
Recovery usually takes many months, and often longer, and progress tends to come in waves.
Anniversaries, reminders and stressful weeks can bring the hurt back.
Each time you get through 1 of those moments together, trust grows a little more.
How couples counselling helps
Talking about an affair at home often turns into the same painful argument.
Counselling slows the conversation down, keeps it safe for both of you and gives you tools to rebuild.
When 1 partner would like support while deciding what they want, individual sessions are available too.
Read more about couples counselling.
You might also find it useful to read does couples counselling work?
Common questions
Can a relationship go back to normal after an affair?
Many couples build a relationship that feels different, and often more honest, than before.
The aim is a new normal you both choose.
Should we stay together for the kids?
That's a personal decision, with no single answer.
Counselling can help you weigh it, and support you as parents whichever way you go.
What is emotional infidelity?
A close, secretive emotional connection with someone outside the relationship, sharing intimacy the partner would expect to be theirs.
It can hurt as deeply as a physical affair.
Is it normal to keep asking questions about the affair?
Yes.
Questions help the hurt partner make sense of what happened.
Over time, counselling helps you both find the balance between understanding and reliving.
Sources
This guide is general information, written to help you understand your options. It isn’t a diagnosis or a substitute for advice from your GP or treating team.
Support at any hour
Mind Therapy Room offers booked appointments, so for urgent support please use one of these services.
- Emergency000
- 1800RESPECT (domestic, family and sexual violence)1800 737 732
- MensLine Australia1300 78 99 78
- Lifeline, 24 hours, 7 days13 11 14